It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this blog. Sorry about that, dear friend. See, things are changing in my life, and as a result I’m finding myself a bit tongue-tied. Not to worry. The changes aren’t bad, and maybe changes is the wrong word. Maybe realignment would be more accurate. Yes. That sounds right.
And while there’s a lot I don’t understand about this realignment, what I do understand is what it feels like. And what it feels like is this: I’m in need of a new North Star. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Surely, the pandemic has had this unsettling effect on others. Maybe even you’ve experienced it: this suspenseful weightlessness of flying mid-air between trapeze bars. It’s exciting and scary, this airborne feeling, and has me clearing out my files, rearranging years of accumulated stuff, going through old photos, letting go to make room for new. I’m tending my garden, both metaphorically and physically. I’m listening more, watching more, noticing more, sniffing out this next chapter of my life.
So grateful for Dixie in all this this. To carry on with the trapeze metaphor: she’s my net. Not only does she listen to my incessant processing, she is also helping me move heavy furniture, and recently cut a little door in our closet ceiling for easier access to our tiny crawl space in the attic. I swear, I don’t know what I did to deserve her!
It could be that this realignment is just a response to getting older. I’m not as ambitious as I once was. I no longer feel like I need to make my mark on the world. I just want to sit back and marvel at what a wonderful world it is. I know, I know, it’s also shit show. Every time I dip into the news (daily) I am gob smacked by the insanity of my species. We are clearly trying to wipe ourselves off the planet, and doing a pretty good job of it, I’d say. And there are way too many people without homes, without access to good water, and whose rights are being threatened. Every time I think about women being forced back into Burkas and back-alley abortions, when I think about LGBTQ2+ being shoved back into the closet, people of color being denied, when I read about these tragic tragic mass shootings I want to rip out my eyebrows and start speaking in tongues, I want to fall on my knees and keen and keen and keen. What are we doing? How did we get here?
But then I go someplace like the Santa Cruz Gay pride parade this past weekend and it’s glorious, edgy, accepting, and full of love love love. And the youngsters, their bending of gender is so inspiring! And there are the birds in my garden, and the butterflies and bees, the seedlings pushing up through the soil. And the fresh air blowing in off the bay. And the trees. How can I not be in awe of these miracles? And there’s more! My community of creatives: the improv artists and writers I get to play with, the group of women next door whose voices float across the fence during their singing circles. My friends and family. Indeed, I am swimming in love. Lucky lucky me.
Still, something is afoot. There is a subtle shifting beneath me. Breathe in. Breathe out. Where will it lead? If you can relate, I would love to know.
And remember: Live the Love, it’s all we’ve got.
Over and out,
Lovely piece, Cliffi . I think a lot of us are feeling many of your thoughts and concerns. Thanks for sharing,
You bet! Thanks for checking in. Sending buckets of love.
Yes Clifford, happening here too. Lots of “between trapeze bars” here too! Glad to know we are in good company. Blessings from Mt. Shasta.
Blessings back to our Mountain Sisters!
Clifford – Good to have your blog back. You’re right to move through this season of “chaos” with action – reflection – reorganization – and honest openness to others about how you feel and the trepidation within. All I can say is “Way to GO, Woman!” Thanks for your example … Thank you for your Love and life of Grace. Gratitude to you and Dixie for bringing smiles, creativity and FUN into this world. (Please continue!) And may we all realize that as long as we are injecting our own Love, Listening, Hospitality and Grace into our small corners … Our future DOES have Hope for tomorrow. Love ya bunches, Brotha James
Brotha James! Thanks for checking in. My adoration of you, as you know, is endless. We are kindreds for sure. Grace. I love that word.
Dearest, I think you are definitely voicing what many of us are feeling or have felt in varying degrees. For myself, I struggle with feelings of true pointlessness (WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!) to gratitude for the small details, to the puppy dog who has no idea how to do anything but LOVE, to the bank teller who knows my name and greets me as I want in the door as you would greet a friend, to the improvers who hugged me with abandon last weekend–an act of such grace that I felt my entire body relax. I struggle with thinking that my writing will never make a difference, and that words shared don’t carry enough weight, still I have no other passion. What can we do but grieve the polarities that divide us and celebrate all that brings us together. Love, love!
That thing about writing making a difference… boy, that’s a big one. More and more I’m coming to the conclusion that just the act of writing makes a difference. But what do I know? Meanwhile, puppy dogs help. : )
Breathing in Breathing out…
yes, so much, so much
Thank you for putting into words what is in my heart.
“The Times They are a Changing” was my high school graduation song.
That was 1969 and who knew!
What a beautiful and challenging life of love and change.
May all beings find their way with arms lovingly around them when possible and in their hearts and life situation when not possible.
As you know I must again find a new home
And so much to be grateful for and not wanting to lose my Santa Cruz and my community of loves like you and Divxie…
We shall see… something is afoot
“Go slow Breathe and Smile ” Thich Tnat.. Han
thank you for being here
Thank YOU for being here. What a life. Prayers going your way on the housing front.
Thank you for prayers
I love your assessment and musings on getting older. feeling content at times to marvel at the world with all its light and shadow. You have given so much to so many. Laughter, inspiration, encouragement. Your writings for the greater audience and personally how Saturday mornings challenged me to not take myself so seriously. . If only I could have stopped laughing. Enjoy your time.
Thanks, Patricia. Yeah, I say never stop laughing. : )
I agree but I couldn’t stop laughing in the classes. I really tried. April and others sometimes just cracked me up!
I always love reading your clear, honest, and moving words and ideas. You and Dixie are and will always be inspiring presences in my life.
Back at you, my friend. And those for sure are adjectives I strive for in my writing: clear and honest. If they’re also moving, I’m over the moon. Thank you.
Part of what makes this a wonderful world for me is getting an email telling me you’ve written a new blog post. Your writing provides a welcome respite in these often unsettling times. Thank you.
You are a darling. Thank you. Writing for “the public” is so strange. Your presence personalizes it in a delightful manner. I admire you so much.
I’m at a place in my life where I’m all about simplifying. Getting rid of things that are not absolutely necessary and enjoy taking care of ourselves instead of our “stuff”. Getting rid of the negative chi and focusing on keeping our head space clear. So cheers to you and the lovely Miz Dixie. You swing your little heart on that trapeze of yours and revel in the weightlessness
Thanks, Dani! And no kidding about “the stuff.” We are letting go! Whahooooo!